Parenting as a Team: Supporting Each Other Instead of Criticising
I don't have to tell you that raising kids is hard. Our children's behaviour will often trigger our own nervous systems, and that in those moments, it can be incredibly difficult to regulate ourselves
enough to respond in the way we want to as parents. People talk alot about supporting our children through their big emotions, but I can't stress enough how important it is that we support each other as parents. Parenting hard moments is hard enough without feeling like the person who is supposed to be on your team is criticising how you're doing it.
Who Has the Most Capacity in This Moment?
When you're parenting alongside a partner, I encourage you to start noticing what is happening between you when your child is having a challenging moment. Perhaps your child is having a meltdown, refusing to cooperate, or pushing boundaries. One of you is becoming increasingly frustrated, your nervous system is activated, and you're finding it difficult to stay calm.
Rather than stepping in to tell your partner what they should be doing differently, I want you to ask yourself:
Who has the most regulated nervous system right now?
Who has the capacity to step in and offer support?
The person who is feeling more regulated in that moment can offer the other parent a break. You can tag-team it. One person steps in while the other takes some space to regulate, regroup and breathe. Then, when needed, you switch. It's not about deciding who is the better parent or who is handling things correctly. It's about recognising that we all have different levels of capacity at different times.
Sometimes your partner will have the capacity to hold the situation, and sometimes you'll be the one who can step in.
Parenting as a team means recognising when the other person needs support, rather than adding another layer of stress.
Why Criticism Makes Things Harder
Most of us are already incredibly hard on ourselves as parents. We question whether we're doing enough, whether we're getting it right, and whether we could have handled a situation differently. We carry guilt about the moments we lose our patience, the times we raise our voices, or the times we don't respond in the way we wish we had. When our partner steps in with criticism during an already heightened moment, it can feel like another layer of pressure. Instead of helping us regulate, it can push us further into dysregulation. This doesn't mean we should never discuss things we would like to approach differently. Those conversations are important. But timing and the way we communicate matter. In the heat of the moment, our priority is to reduce stress, support each other and help bring the situation back to a place where everyone has more capacity.
Come Back to the Conversation With Curiosity
Once things have settled and everyone is feeling calmer, you can absolutely revisit what happened.
You might say:
"Hey, can we have a chat about what happened earlier? How are you feeling about how things played out?
Rather than telling them what you think they did wrong, give them the opportunity to share their experience. You might discover that they were feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted or disappointed in how they responded. Perhaps they already know they didn't handle the situation as they would have liked.
When we approach these conversations with curiosity, we create space for honesty, understanding and problem-solving. We can talk about what might help next time, what support each of us needs, and how we can work together when things get challenging. The goal isn't to prove who was right. It's to understand each other better and find ways to support one another.
You're on the Same Team
Our children don't need us to be perfect parents. And our partners don't need us to be perfect either.
What we need is to recognise that we're human, that our capacity fluctuates, and that we're all going to have moments when we struggle.
By moving away from criticism and towards collaboration, we create a more supportive environment for ourselves, our partners and our children. Often the most helpful thing you can do for your partner is simply recognise that they're struggling and say:
"I've got this. Go and take a few minutes for yourself."
And sometimes, you'll be the one who needs to hear those words.
You don't have to get parenting right every time. You just need to keep learning how to work together.
If navigating communication, conflict or challenging parenting moments is something you'd like support with, please reach out.
Communication is absolutely my jam! I love working with individuals and families to navigate conflict, improve communication and work through behavioural challenges in parenting.
You don't have to figure it all out on your own. ❤️
Feel it to Heal it | Kinesiology & Counselling
Supporting you to understand yourself, strengthen your relationships and navigate life's challenges with greater awareness and connection.
Comments