Wow it has been a big week in my household and for clients. There seems to be a stirring in the depth of this season of darkness and re-writing the old stories.
I was pulled into my own story this weekend with my family. I didn't have a close relationship with my father growing up, in fact it was very disconnected and thus I have multiple times been pulled into this with my ever patient and forgiving husband. And of course, the universe loves to pair us up with a nice package perfectly designed to pull us into all the uncomfortable and painful parts of ourselves in order to heal and make us whole.
Today he had had a moment of frustration with the kids whilst I was out, and they were quick to dibby dob as kids are. Only I got swept up in their story. Why? Because my inner child was ready to chime in. And here comes my story right! The story of my experience of a father figure. All the should and should not stories. My constructed perfect father in my head story that my poor husband has been compared to. It is true that comparison is the thief of joy (thank you Brene Brown)!
The more work I have done on this deep wound of mine (trust me there has been a lot) the quicker I seem to be at pulling myself out. You see when our inner child comes into a situation it will want to respond from the wound. It will send you into either fight, flight or freeze. Mine used to be fight but now it leans more to flight or at least feeling the need to run.
So how do we work on this? For me it has been a practise of reminding that part of myself that I am safe. There is no real threat. And I also must very consciously look at all the ways I am polarising my husband to be one way. I deliberately look for examples to balance the story in my head and, I start to look at where I am also displaying the very things, I am making not ok for him to do. Where am I lazy, short tempered, complaining or whatever the story is. Where am I the very thing I am accusing him of? Because I will be it too. We are all things!
We are all human and we are all flawed. The more tolerance we can learn for each other and the more we can learn to love someone through their darkness the more wholehearted love we will feel.
All this applies of course to ourselves. In fact, this is the key piece. Our partners and the world around us are a mirror. I see you through the stories of my life. If I dislike you, there is a part of me in you that I dislike. If I make you wrong or not ok, it is because I feel wrong or not ok about myself. This lesson is so valuable to learn because it also teaches us that how other people behave and see us in a reflection of themselves. Then we can understand each other more.
Love and gratitude