Why Is It That We Can Often Hold Space with Empathy and Compassion for Others, Yet Be Harsh and Cruel to Ourselves?

Understanding Our Inner Critic

Why is it that we can often hold space with empathy and compassion for others, yet when it comes to ourselves, we can be harsh and cruel? This week has highlighted a theme for many of us regarding our thoughts—particularly those about ourselves. I’m not totally shocked, as we are now in Aquarius season, which relates to our thoughts and the tendency to be in our heads too much. Whether you are into astrology or not, this theme is one many of us can work with to develop a greater sense of self-compassion and understanding.

Questioning Our Standards

The first step, I believe, is to question ourselves. “Why do I hold myself to such excessive standards, yet understand that for others this is not necessary or productive?” This reflection can be eye-opening. I then like to ask, “How old do I feel in this judgement, thought, or expectation?" There is often a key element in the age that arises, as we internalise our environments from a young age.

For many of the clients I work with (and myself), that inner critic is our biggest cause of suffering. It constantly narrates what has happened or what may happen through a lens of blame or shame. It creates a narrative we then accept as truth. Brené Brown has taught us that shame does not create lasting change—quite the opposite. It often locks us into low self-worth and unhelpful behaviours.

Reflecting on Self-Criticism

When you reflect on the past week, what is one area you have been too hard on yourself about? How can you offer yourself empathy and understanding? Let go of the fear that without being hard on yourself, you won’t change—because, in fact, it will likely free you and allow you to expand.

Inner Peace

Embracing Joy and Presence

When we aren't being harsh with ourselves, we have more space for joy, contentment, and, most importantly in today’s world, presence. The inner critic tends to pull us either into the past—“I should have…”—or into the future—“I have to do X or Y is going to happen.” The "should haves" often create a low, depressive state, while the "I have to's," layered with stress and pressure, generate heightened anxiety.

It sounds so simple, but when we gently tweak the language, the context shifts completely. For example, instead of saying, “I should have done better,” try “Next time I’ll try…” or “I am going to work on doing X to help with Y.” This shift can open up new pathways for self-acceptance and growth.

Journaling for Clarity

To help you dive into this a little deeper, I’ve gathered some journal prompts for reflection. The wonderful thing about writing in a notebook or journal is that you essentially brain dump all the stresses onto paper, helping your mind feel clearer and lighter. It also carves out a beautiful space for self-reflection and awareness. Please scroll down to the bottom of this blog to find the prompts.

Feel free to reply to this email with any insights you might uncover. I always love to hear what evolves from a discussion.

Journal Reflections

• Where did my inner critic pull me this week — into the past or the future? What phrases or thoughts kept repeating, and how did they make me feel in my body?

• What “should have” story am I still carrying? If I softened the language, how could I reframe it into “next time I’ll try…” or “I’m learning to…”?

• What am I telling myself I “have to” do right now? How does this language create pressure or anxiety, and what would it feel like to replace it with choice or intention?

• How old do I feel when this inner voice shows up? What might this part of me need that it didn’t receive at that age?

• What would self-compassion look like in this situation if I spoke to myself the way I speak to someone I love? Write out those words exactly as you would offer them to another.

  
  

Have a beautiful week ahead and be kind to yourself!

xx

Julz